I am constantly amazed by how many thoughts can busy your mind when the world starts to move just a little bit faster around us. Anxiety feels as though everything is expected to happen at the same time. Then one day, you start to feel less concerned with whether or not they will judge you and you catch a glimpse of calm ~ but they're always judging aren't they?
The things that I love most, art and creativity, yoga and meditation, all feel like places where no matter what I put out into the universe, it is good enough. Free from judgement, free from edit and free from feelings of panic and disorder. Genuine, honest, messy, vulnerable and pure. Not trying to play the good girl or good mother or any of the many roles that I have created for myself. These roles have changed over the years. I have been proud of most and ashamed of some. But aren't we all? And if you tell me that you've never felt as though you could have done something or been someone just a little bit better, then I would dare say that you are trying to allow that to be the truth, but to be human is to be messy. It's part of our condition.
Among the rest of what it feels like to be human is aching loss and a feeling of wanting to be loved. To belong, to be accepted and free from judgement. We often feel as though in order to be loved, we first have to start behaving as though we deserve it. But this is bullshit! You don't have to be anyone other than who you are to be loved. You just have to surround yourself with your tribe and it will be there. It is there and has been there all along. We can't resist going out into the world. We can't hide in our cave and wrap ourselves in protection to avoid being hurt. To do this would be to avoid living life. But we can refresh and regain courage by surrounding ourselves with those who really get us. With those around whom we are able to shed our masks and be our most vulnerable selves.
When we feel strong and empowered, having been lifted up by those who are strong enough and love themselves enough to know that by praising others they do not diminish their own light, we can go bravely into the world with GRACE.
No longer treading lightly, but walking in the world as though it was designed for all of us to enjoy. Others sensing this change and no longer feeling as though they have the power to manipulate you and bully you into doing things their way. For their benefit, as opposed to yours. As opposed to the benefit of everyone. We don't have to take the power of others to feel our power. It comes with self-love, self-care and a growth towards equanimity and grace. They will show their teeth to make you feel powerless. But I dare you to stand strong and calm.
To get there though, we must learn to genuinely love and accept who we are. For our quirks, for our stories, for our gorgeous qualities.
Go out and show the world your greatness. Start living in a way that shows the world that you cam here to be alive and you will accept nothing short of feeling connected with your passion, your power and your GRACE. Your Amazing Grace.
When my mother passed away, and she was lowered into the ground to the sound of Amazing Grace playing by bagpipes, weeks later I was told that I was trying to get attention by being sad and talking about her. This stayed with me my entire life and I learned time and again that to express anything less than perfection and performance meant you were trying to get attention and that was bad. That being proud of your accomplishments, and your beauty and your intelligence was boastful, and that was bad. But I'm hear to tell that person that made me feel ashamed (or around whom I allowed myself to be ashamed), that YES, I wanted attention. I wanted to feel love. I wanted to feel whole. I was twelve years old and I wanted my mother. As you want your mother. But that is not our inclination when others react that way to that kind of hurt, is it? Our first reaction is to learn to go deep into the woods with our wounds. Hide them and try to heal them alone, so that no one will ever know our vulnerability and our pain again.
I will no longer respond with shame. I will no longer respond with feeling small. I will respond with compassion. With patience. For they know not how to make themselves feel big and strong and loved. They think that they only way is to take your power. But to hell with that! I didn't come here to be small, I came here to be amazing...with GRACE!
Grace, like a skilled yoga instructor who walks across the heated bamboo floor. Delicate weight of her passing by, creaking the floorboard beneath her toes.
I've forever been seeking her, wanting to meet her and convince her to stay. Feeling as though everything else in between was something to get through. To survive. Like an addict awaiting her next fix. Not able to fully be present or grounded, loved or in love. For the desire to feel peace and calm from the other side was pulling ever so gently all of the damn time.
And when the moments of calm and peace do visit, she mourns the loss thereafter, time and again feeling cheated and abandoned. Betrayed by that which had stolen her ability to feel this way more of the time than she does not. Sun and blue skies there as a backdrop to the pressure and angst. The light always present but her not knowing how to embrace its power and love for her. Hopeful that she may find lasting peace while still able to live, she crashes to her knees and is overcome by the pain and grief. To move forward, she must allow it though. Sobs soaking her mat. Shameful that it had to come to this but hopeful that it means that the pain is traveling through her and out of her, like a river washing the rocks to allow us to see more clearly. Pure and sparkling, clean, renewed and loved. A calm and resilient source of beauty for others to admire, but knowing all the while, that admiration was never the point.
"Beloved Child My heart is yours Beloved Child Go out and open doors With your love With your faith With your compassion With your grace Oh, with your grace"
Songwriters: KHALSA JAI JAGDESH KAUR / KHALSA KRISHAN PRAKASH SINGH
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