When we finally make the decision to accept that a situation will not change, to acknowledge that we have the power to leave, and to finally move on from that very situation that has broken us, it can feel as though we are falling off of a cliff! We resist the groundlessness that we feel and grip to anything we can in order to feel the comfort of the earth beneath our feet. We resist the pain and anxiety that comes with a major live change and tell ourselves any number of stories so that we can just avoid feeling it.
Before we made the decision to leave, we were not happy and we knew that there was a possibility that there was more to life but we were comfortable. Seemingly all at once the moment arrives when you know with every cell of your being that enough is enough. Or perhaps there had been a seed planted long ago and it has now fully grown and blossomed. The pressure had built and now you can't imagine staying another minute where you are. Whatever it was that got you here in this moment, it can be terrifying to take that next step into your future, no matter how painful it is to stay.
This is what happened to one of my gorgeous friend’s, Mya, when she finally decided to leave an emotionally abusive relationship. I cannot think of a better way to follow up last week's theme.
Change. It can be a terrifying thing to turn your world upside down for a better life. Throwing caution to the wind and hoping things fall into place can feel like you have given up all control of your own life. When you are a mother, you are also given uncertainty to the very people who rely on you to give them stability and consistency. To believe that love is enough to get them through it is beyond frightening. I am looking back to the day I made the decision that I had enough. The day I did not even give much thought to what leaving would even look like. All I had in my pocket was the idea that we deserved a better life. We deserved to be treated with more love and respect and I needed to make sure that became a reality at any cost. Only those who stayed in an abusive relationship for so long could understand the terror in finally deciding to walk away. To say I am proud of myself is an understatement. It was only the beginning of a roller coaster ride with someone else in the driver seat. I spent day and months, dissecting my life in a way I had never done before. Not only did I need to heal from the abuse, but I needed to understand why I allowed another human being to devalue me in such a way that I may have believed I did not deserve more. What was so broken inside me to allow the mistreatment and be with a man who did not think my feelings, thoughts or opinions mattered, unless I shared the same ones as him? How could I let myself be punished like a child from someone who was meant to be my equal, my partner? How did I think it was my fault if I spoke up and went against him? There had to be a reason why a woman who had survived so much already accepted this from the man she loved and treated with the utmost respect.
I did the work and it was ugly. It was gruelling and it was lengthy, but in the process, I found out who I am and what I am worth. I reached out to family and friends and surrounded myself with people who cared for me, who made me believe I mattered and was worth more. I started to water the friendships I had neglected because I was ashamed of how I had allowed this to become my life. I started to accept that it was not my fault and that every step I made; I had always had the best intentions. I am a good person and I did not mean for this to happen. I was addicted to a high and a low much like a heroine addict needs his next fix. The highs in my relationship were so high and euphoric that they made the lows, the very lows acceptable. It was not my fault that someone took advantage of my empath soul. It was not my fault that I was so focused on loving him, that I neglected myself. This was how I was raised to be. This is what I thought was normal.
I got out. I crawled into the darkness, into the unknown. I stepped off a cliff not knowing if I would survive but being hopeful. You know things must be bad if you are willing to jump into the abyss rather than stay in the hell you are living. I held on to the hope that one day, I would look back on this as being the best decision I had ever made for my children and myself. And here I am. It been 5 months of amazing transformation, of learning more about myself than I ever had in my 42 years on this earth. In a little over a month from now I will be somewhere completely different and knowing that I created a new life and destiny for us. I faced the greatest adversity and took the plunge. I owe so many people gratitude for helping me along the way. For the first time in my life, I let people take care of me emotionally.
And what finally brought me to this place of change? Letting it go and having faith in the process. I allowed the emotions of grief to take over. I grieved the relationship, I grieved the nuclear family I thought I deserved, I grieved the life I thought I had, I grieved the loss of an extended family, I grieved the neighbourhood I was leaving behind, and then I finally grieved the beautiful high end home I built and created. I had to go through the losses, one by one until I was finally ready to move on. I had to make peace and finally let go of my anger to clear the road ahead for a new beginning. I did the work, and it was not at all easy. I knew one day things would be better, and I never lost hope. I just did not know how much work was involved with becoming who I was meant to be. I learned to love who I had been, who I was now and who I was becoming. That person deserves so much happiness in her life. I am so proud of how far I have come and where I am going. I will never settle for less, nor will I ever let anyone convince me I am not an incredible woman and mother. My very dear friend’s words linger in my head almost daily; thank you Katrina, you helped me believe that I MATTER.
~ Mya Gauthier
I often say, that the only way out is through. I’ve witnessed it many of times before. When I received a call from Mya that she was sad and crying over the loss of her home, we talked about the fact that although it hurt, it was a good thing to be finally feeling that. It signified to me that this was another step in her healing process and I believed that clearing this blocked energy would allow her to move forward in her journey. She’d been trying to move on for five months and was having a hard time with the sale of her home.
Not 48 hours later, after she finally let go and let herself feel, her house sold! Mya will soon turn the page and enter a new chapter. I cannot wait to hear about the wonderful life that she is able to create for her and her boys from here. I hope that someday, we will be reading more from her as her story is an inspiring one that no doubt will give others courage to leave situations that are no longer in alignment with their purpose, their health and their inner being. Much love to you Mya, as you and your boys continue to find your serenity!
xo, Kat
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