You may remember a post that I wrote last year called The Courage to Leave. Nearly a year has passed since Mya left her abusive relationship and started fresh in a new home with her twin boys. It's also been nearly a year since I made the decision to move my family away from a life we'd finally built in Carleton Place, ON after the realization that I would soon be medically released from the military. Today, Mya and I are sharing with you what the past year has been like to move forward. We both feel as though we made the right decisions for our families, but this does not mean that it has not been a roller coaster of emotion and sometimes doubts about our new situation.
Here I am nearly a year after I was courageous and brave enough to walk away from the life I had built and the man I had chosen. When I look back now at where I was standing knowing in my heart and soul that things would be so much better on the other side, I finally had the courage to follow my gut. What I have learned through my healing journey this year, is that my gut is bang on all the time. It was a series of struggles and difficult circumstances until I finally moved our belongings into our new home. I walked through that door to the house I purchased all on my own with a feeling of pride and freedom. There was calmness in the air. I knew all the pain was worth it. My grief for the life I once had dissipated rather quickly. I did however still feel moments of grief over the next few months. I grieved having someone to share chores with. My grief manifested through anger the first time I had to cut the grass and my lawnmower did not work. It manifested through having to put out the garbage every week. It manifested when the smoke detector beeped to change the batteries.
I still remember these conversations with Mya, when she was frustrated that she didn’t have someone at her side to help with all of the things that a partner was supposed to be there to help you with. It’s not as though she wanted to stay in the relationship. She knew it was no longer serving her or her boys the life that they deserved, but she wanted a partner.
I marvel at the fact that any major change in your life has the power to be a good thing and a bad thing at the very same time. You want to go and you need to go, but when you’re on the other side, it’s not always a clear cut sense of freedom. I had a similar situation myself this year. I had a couple of them actually but some things will have to find their way on the page at a later date. What I can tell you is that my husband and I took the first steps in transitioning out of the Canadian Armed Forces this year. In doing that, we moved from Ottawa back home with our family in New Brunswick. Although I desperately wanted to be close to family, I now desperately miss certain aspects of being where I was. I miss my friends, my fellow yogis, and my big pantry.
So how do we move on from that? I asked Mya to share her thoughts.
Although they were moments of grief and anger, they were always followed by the most incredible feeling of pride and independence. I quickly learned that I did not need anyone to do those things for me. I learned just how capable I am and to utilize my 11 year old twin boys to pull their weight when needed. It was like learning to walk again. I forgot what it was like to do it all on my own. It was a strange thought to me, given that I was a widowed single mother for the first 5 years of my boys’ lives. How had I forgotten to be on my own? It all became clear to me when I dove deep into those feelings. It was not that I had forgotten how to be independent, it was that my independence was stolen from me from my controlling and abusive partner. I had given up all my power to him and felt like I needed him to take care of me and my boys. But that was not at all a fact. I still had all that power inside of me. You do not say goodbye to your dying husband feeling two lives you and he created moving inside you and not be independent. It made sense why I handed over my power to this man. I did it because it was a sense of relief to not have to do it all on my own anymore. But handing over my power to a devil had a heavy price./
I know I have come out on the other side a stronger and happier person, but more importantly, a whole person. I did not lose anything from surviving an emotionally abusive relationship. The contrary to that is my truth. I never would have healed my traumas from the broken little girl I had deep inside me. I never lost my strength or my courage, I just pushed it aside in order to live the dream I thought I wanted. I have grieved that dream and accepted my present life instead. Being free from abuse has helped my children and I flourish. When I think of where we are today, I smile with so much pride. This past weekend we went to cut down a Christmas tree to celebrate our first Christmas in our new home. The boys and I always make comments about how much more enjoyable these occasions are without him. It’s only now that I am on the other side do I see how unhappy we were. It’s hard not to live the flashbacks of the hard times we endured, but they are always followed with a feeling of relief that this is no longer our lives.
We’ve all gotten to that point at some stage in our lives when we’ve had to leave a situation that was no longer congruent with who we are. Perhaps we stayed longer than we should and knew that to stay was to not be honouring who we knew we were at the very core of our being. Sometimes it’s that we are headed towards something, like my husband and I did when we moved home to be closer to family.
Though my situation is very different from Mya’s, in some ways, I am leaving a relationship of my own. My career has been everything to me for almost two decades. I am both happy and sad to leave. Last week, I received my decision message that I would be released medically from the military. This is a good thing. I knew that this was coming and it's time to move forward. The thing is, it is possible to be happy and sad at the same time. I’m both looking forward to moving on with my life and sad to go.
With the complete uncertainty in life this year, it is nice to have something come to certainty. I have so many questions going through my mind. In so many ways, things are coming together. In other ways, the future is so unknown and unpredictable that it terrifies me. I will move on, I will grow and I will flourish. It is time to soar. It is time to be free. But I will be sad to leave. I will still grieve the fact that I could have been there much longer if things had been different. I grieve all of the things that could have been.
Leaving a situation like that means a renegotiation of who you are entirely, whether you are moving on to a new location, out of a career or a relationship. In a sense, it completely changes your identity, especially if you've tied it to who you are as I have as a Canadian Armed Forces member, and in Mya's as a mom and wife. I now am figuring out who I am without my uniform and back in the home that I left before I joined. In Mya’s case, she is figuring that she has freedom to not only leave the house when she wants but visit people she wants without guilt and suffering the consequences later. She can enjoy every moment more than she has in a very long time.
My biggest fear was having to go back to being a single parent and being the only adult in my home to make decisions and share the burden. Those were the thoughts that prevented me from taking action sooner. Now I see that it's so much easier to do it alone than to do it with a partner who does not respect you, who does not love you and does not love your children. I have nobody to consult when I make decisions regarding my boys, my finances and how I live each day. I have no criticism day in and day out. My confidence is restored that I am capable. I am great mother with two respectful, happy and amazing sons. I am a good daughter, friend and daycare provider. I have the life experience, the common sense and the ability to follow my gut to get me through this beautiful life I am living. Each day I am grateful for the life I have built and for the courage it took to walk away to reach a better life, my best life.
Is my grief over? Grief never ends, it changes. I do not grieve the loss of my abusive and unhealthy relationship, not one bit. I do however grieve the loss of extended family I had as a result of that relationship. I grieve the time I wasted, the holidays and special occasions ruined. I grieve special moments I will never get back. I try not to dwell on this grief and focus on making new memories. Although I can change my thoughts, there will always be reminders of those 9 years where pictures were taken which jog my memory back to those dark days when I was trying so hard to be happy. Everyday I do my best to be grateful for the present and let go of the past. I come closer to forgiving myself for staying. Lucky for me, the feeling of pride is stronger than the feeling of regret. In the end, it does not matter how long I stayed, it matters that I finally walked away and bettered our lives. My advice would be to push through the abyss, the unknown if you can see the clear skies ahead in the distance. I cannot even put into words how worth all of that was for me.
Watch the live interview with Mya for more of what we have to say about moving on during positive change.
No matter the change that you are going through in your life dear serenity seeker, know that you can be both at the same time. You can be happy and sad. The important thing is that you trust in the intuition and guidance that put you on the path you are on and keep moving forward.
Until next time, wishing you all well-being, purpose and much joy!
xo Kat
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