Is there something that you've always wanted to do but you are afraid of what others might think of you? Afraid that you're not good enough to put your work out into the world for others to see? That's the way that I have felt as a writer my entire life. When I started writing, blogs didn't exist. Internet didn't exist! I wrote poetry in my journals on a regular basis and would show them to my closest friends and family, or my teachers. Beyond that, I didn't believe that they were as good as the gorgeous poems and material that I'd read from my favourite authors. I'd read and think, "now that is great writing", but never believe that I could pull it off. However, throughout my entire life, I felt as though I could have a positive impact on the world which would grow out of overcoming the painful experiences that I endured as a child. In order to do that, I have to be authentic and genuine. I can't pretend to be someone that I'm not. Those wounds made me who I am. They are a part of me and are what motivate me to want to help alleviate the suffering of others. In order to get to the level of authenticity that is required to do that, it will be messy. I have to be vulnerable. This is non-negotiable.
So that is what I'm doing here by starting this journey with you. I'm opening up and sharing some of my most painful experiences and the fact that I'm not perfect (I know - total shocker!). Although I'm still healing and learning, I want to share with you what I have learned and continue to learn along the way. I'm hoping that you or someone you know can find strength and courage to heal your own wounds. Or perhaps this will be a place for you to catch a glimpse of inspiration to be brave and courageous to make your dreams come true. Or it may be just a place to find that you're not alone in how you feel about the silliness of life.
So here goes.
A few years ago, after a series of events that made me come face to face with my internal struggles, I decided to fully open myself up and try to heal so that I feel more at peace in my life. I have always known that my childhood trauma affected me deeply but I didn't want to do the messy work to overcome it. Instead, I wrapped a bandage around my wounds so very few people could see (so I thought) and carried on. That's what you do when you want to survive in the wild right? You hide your wounds so that you do not appear weak and do not become prey. Not realizing how much more courage it takes to be vulnerable. I never wanted to own my scars, and still don't actually. I don't want them to be my identity. I realize only now that they don't have to be, even if people know that they exist. But I need you to know about them so that you know that I'm not writing from a place of authority but one from experience and compassion. I have spent many years trying to become what I thought I should be. Only to discover that living with this kind of lack of authenticity actually makes the pain worse. Covering up and carrying on this way can only be sustained for so long before something has to give. That was at least my experience. The bandages kept peeling away and I would redress them. Feeling as though I would feel amazing as soon as I accomplished my next goal. But that sense of permanent happiness and comfort that I was hoping for didn't come. And I started to wonder, what is the purpose of all of this striving and madness?
With my intuition niggling at me, I kept putting my mask on each day to busy myself more and more each year. Until I was exhausted, and I could no longer keep the mask on. This is when I fully understood Brené Brown's messages on vulnerability and the gifts of imperfection. In order to overcome my challenges, I had to take the mask off (at least when safe to do so) and I had to figure out who the hell I was underneath it. Who am I if I'm not striving to be who I think I should be? When I feel inspired and passionate? Have you ever felt like that? Like you're living your life on the opinion of other people or social conditioning? Brené Brown writes beautifully about being vulnerable and "all in" as a part of wholehearted living and authenticity. In our society, we often think about who we are and what we can contribute and then ask who do I think I am? or what will they think? We wonder if we are good enough to show the world our gifts and the beauty of our true nature. Get your own copy of Brené Brown's book on amazon here.
The thing is, you can't wait until you're sure before you start on the path toward creating the life that you dream about. You are good enough. You are the only you that exists in this entire universe and you're here for a purpose!! You don't have to even see the entire path (as I've always tried to do) before you set out. You just have to take that first few steps and trust that the universe will guide you through your intuition to take the next step in the right direction. We can't wait until our art is perfect, before our writing is well polished or before we reach a certain level of success in another pursuit that we think is more practical. To start feeling the kind of joy and depth in life that we're all looking for, we have to go all in. What gifts are you yearning to share with the world? Go on then, get out there and live the life of your dreams!!
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